I'm a modern man

I'm a modern man.
I'm a modern man.
I'm a modern man.
I'm a modern man.

I'm a modern man,
A man for the millennium,
Digital and smoke free.

A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist,
Politically anatomically and ecologically incorrect.

I've been uplinked and downloaded.
I've been inputted and outsourced.
I know the upside of downsizing.
I know the downside of upgrading.

I'm a high tech lowlife.
A cutting edge state-of-the-art bicoastal multitasker,
And I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I'm new wave but I'm old school,
And my inner child is outward bound.

I'm a hot wired heat seeking warm hearted cool customer,
Voice activated and biodegradable.

I interface from a database,
And my database is in cyberspace,
So I'm interactive,
I'm hyperactive,
And from time-to-time,
I'm radioactive.

Behind the eight ball,
Ahead of the curve,
Riding the wave,
Dodging a bullet,
Pushing the envelope.

I'm on point,
On task,
On message,
And off drugs.
I got no need for coke and speed,
I got no urge to binge and purge.

I'm in the moment,
On the edge,
Over the top,
But under the radar.

A high concept,
Low profile,
Medium range ballistic missionary.
A street-wise smart bomb.
A top gun bottom feeder.

I wear power ties,
I tell power lies,
I take power naps,
I run victory laps.

I'm a totally ongoing bigfoot slam dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach.
A raging workaholic.
A working ragaholic.
Out of rehab,
And in denial.

I got a personal trainer,
A personal shopper,
A personal assistant,
And a personal agenda.

You can't shut me up,
You can't dumb me down.
'Cause I'm tireless,
And I'm wireless.
I'm an alpha male on beta blockers.

I'm a non-believer and an over-achiever.
Laid back but fashion forward.

Up front,
Down home,
Low rent,
High maintenance.

Super size,
Long lasting,
High definition,
Fast acting,
Oven ready,
And built to last.

I'm a hands on,
Foot loose,
Knee jerk,
Head case.

Prematurely post traumatic,
And I have a love child who sends me hate mail.

But I'm feeling,
I'm caring,
I'm healing,
I'm sharing.
A supportive bonding nurturing primary care giver.

My output is down,
But my income is up.
I take a short position on the long bond,
And my revenue stream has its own cash flow.

I read junk mail,
I eat junk food,
I buy junk bonds,
I watch trash sports.

I'm gender specific,
Capital intensive,
User friendly,
And lactose intolerant.

I like rough sex.
I like rough sex.
I like tough love.
I use the f word in my email,
And the software on my hard drive is hard core, no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini mall.
I bought a mini van in a mega store.
I eat fast food in the slow lane.

I'm toll free,
Bite sized,
Ready to wear,
And I come in all sizes.

A fully equipped,
Factory authorized,
Hospital tested,
Clinically proven,
Scientifically formulated medical miracle.

I've been pre-washed,
Pre-cooked,
Pre-heated,
Pre-screened,
Pre-approved,
Pre-packaged,
Post-dated,
Freeze-dried,
Double-wrapped,
Vacuum-packed,
And I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I'm a rude dude,
But I'm the real deal.
Lean and mean.
Cocked, locked and ready to rock.
Rough tough and hard to bluff.

I take it slow.
I go with the flow.
I ride with the tide.
I got glide in my stride.

Drivin' and movin',
Sailin' and spinnin',
Jivin' and groovin',
Wailin' and winnin'.

I don't snooze,
So I don't lose.
I keep the pedal to the metal,
And the rubber on the road.

I party hearty,
And lunch time is crunch time.

I'm hanging in,
There ain't no doubt.
And I'm hanging tough,
Over and out.

-George Carlin

New Rule:

While I don't agree with everything Bill Maher says on his show, this one had me laughing.

I think he may be onto something..ha!


"And finally, New Rule: Stop worrying that the government is listening in on your phone conversation. The person you called isn't even listening to your phone conversation. Any American in this day and age who thinks they're not being monitored is so naive and oblivious, I can't believe they're not working already for the Bush Administration.

Which...which is not to say it isn't creepy thinking of Karl Rove monitoring my emails. Which is why all of mine say the same thing: "Hey, did you hear freedom is on the march, and I quit smoking pot?" "Praise Jesus! - Bill."

But the organization that is conducting these wiretaps, the NSA, is a spy agency different from all the others, in that its only function is to listen. You know, like a husband. You know, like a husband!

And if they need to listen to keep a dirty bomb from going off in Long Beach, then I say, "Listen away." All I ask, NSA, is that you don't judge. And more importantly, if you could screen my calls. In fact, just tell everybody I'm not in. Oh, and if I say something funny during one of my phone conversations, write it down and hit me back with an email so I can use it in my next stand-up special.

So, yes, on the downside, our lives here in America are now an open book. But on the upside, Bush doesn't read books! And really, people, if you're so worried about the privacy of your cell phone calls, stop making them when you're in line at Starbucks!

Oh, please, Americans don't want privacy. They want attention! They'll put a camera in their shower and show it on the Internet! To get on television, they'll marry strangers and eat a cow's rectum, and ice dance with Todd Bridges. They're trying to get on a show called "Big Brother"!

We are a nation of exhibitionists from "me" to shining "me." And what we really fear isn't that someone's listening; it's that no one's listening. This whole country is one big desperate cry for somebody to listen to "listen to me, photograph me, Google me, read my blog!" "Read my diary; read my memoir. It's not interesting enough? I'll make shit up!"

You know that I could go on the Internet right now under my alternate screen name, "CherryXXX69," and get complete strangers to email me a picture of their scrotum. I tell you, this country gave the finger to privacy a long time ago.

In fact, I have reason to believe I'm being videotaped right now. Great to be back. Thank you very much. Terrific crowd, terrific panel. Very good. That's our show. I want to thank Eddie Griffin, Helen Thomas, Dan Senor, Fred Barnes and Senator Russ Feingold. Thank you, folks."

More fuel for Dig's Question...

It's true, who would want to go to Reunion Island, anyway? Claire couldn't explain to us why she spent 8 months there...

Saudis 'foil oil facility attack'

stay safe, merk

February 23, 2003...

and I'm tenured with the US Federal Government. My, my, my, how 3 years have flown by.

Dental Update #5

Oral Surgery Consulation Thursday at 3:30 PST. Don't miss it!

Perfect Timing..

My poor Mother and Aunt. They flew in on Thursday night and by Friday afternoon, as I looked out over the Los Angeles Basin from atop the Getty Center...it came..something that hadn't come in months...rain! HAHA! Imagine coming from the cloudiest state in the union to a place like Southern California and having it rain. Unbelievable. Needless to say Michigan was without power, under a half inch of ice, and dealing with sub-zero temperatures, so they weren't complaining too much;)

Sunday Morning Brunch..

Evidently we also had Sunday brunch...not that I remember...

EXTRA, EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT!

Local Belizean discovers snow for the first time... in Southern California!

Thanks

Tony, glad to see the craziness hasn't worn off.

I'm Back In Baby's Arms...

How I Missed Those Loving Arms..I Am Back Where I Belong, Back In Baby's Arms..

Dental Update #4

After 5 days of excruciating pain (toothaches are amazing..they affect the entire jaw and head), my dentist confirmed yesterday that something had gone astray with the crown procedure. Today, I experienced what a root canal was like..8 shots of novacaine and the nerve has been officially killed. Root canals are so strange..my mouth was braced open and all sorts of things were drilling and smoking..oh, so much fun, and for only 180 bucks! What a deal!

Oh Captain, My Captain! Mumbai in May!

3 years ago this May a very good friend of mine left the states to head back to his hometown; Mumbai, India. He was a member of @ Michigan, and quite the tumultuous member at that. Either people loved him or hated him. The big city cynicism of Bombay sometimes fell short in the sweet yet naive midwest. Or..maybe he was just a prick;) Yeah, that's probably a better explanation.






AT ANY RATE, Capt. Prashant "P" Rajkhowa and I traveled far and wide, partying like rock stars during those college years. Memorable moments include being drugged in Mexico City and following a dog home, running onto our plane in Bratislava at 7am...with beers still in hand--and then interviewing a beautiful Slovakian air mostess, almost shooting a shot of olive oil at the Spanish booth during of the many global villages-- where we both thought we would end up dead, P having the keys to sneak up atop the Michigan Union and having a "few" beers, 1/2 gallon upon 1/2 gallon of sangria at Dominics, P punching G square in the mouth at the Canadian National Conference in Quebec, Prawn curry, Ginger Chia, Old Monk rum, Little Sinai, Little Bombay, cleaning out the bar on the plane en route to Ireland, and the liver-damaging list goes on and on..



3 years ago that era came to an abrupt end, as most era endings end. We said our goodbyes and haven't really stayed that much in contact. It's hard to believe it's been that long, and while the time has indeed "flown by", his news about his upcoming marriage made me realize how long it had actually been. I woke up in my sleep last night (probably because my tooth was throbbing), and I just sat up wondering "My god, how did the world's biggest cynic on love and life ever decide to get married?" HA! I don't know, but I hear the sound of a whip nearby! Digs beware!



Congratulatons to you, Prashant, and my deepest sympathies for you, Sasha. Jam and I shall see you two in Mumbai..in May.

Late Night Redondo Beach..

Passing out at Cialuzzi's. Priceless.

Straight Outta Compton..

Yesterday, Jam and I had one of the most memorable days I've had out here in S. Cali. We went to a Baptist church (Glory Bound MBC) smack dab in the middle of Compton. For those of you not familiar with Compton, it has a pretty violent reputation in south central Los Angeles. Quite frankly, us "white folk" don't traverse those areas too often. Needless to say, we stuck out a little;)

Freda, an ex-colleague of mine had been trying to get me to attend her church for over a year, with little success because I'm always so busy. Well, the moon and the stars were aligned right and finally this weekend I decided to give it a whirl. All I can say is that her church was a lot different than the one I remember growing up. It was very "lively", to put it mildly! The highlight was probably when I had to stand up as a vistor, and say a few words to the church. Ah, yeah. Ha! Hallelujah! Amen! Praise Jesus! The service was also a lot longer than I remembered, probably because it was. Yeup, during the 3 hours a lot of stuff when down. There was someone who had a cramp and the Reverend had to coax the devil out of her, there was a man on his knee proposing, ladies crying, wild dancing and swaying, and lots of people fanning themselves as people sang at the top of their lungs, there was a passionate sermons, and one dumb white dude with a big smile on his face.

After the service we headed over to Freda's house where she had cooked a huge dinner (ribs, rice, green beans, hi-five cake) for the reverend and other church members. The atmosphere felt very much like I was among family. Then, they headed back to church for afternoon service. Afternoon service!

I'm so appreciative when someone opens up and shares something special with me. I've been lucky enough to visit many mosques, temples, churches, etc., but this was special because it was a) a baptist church like the ones you see on TV b)just about 15 minutes from my house and c)in a part of the city that many people like myself never see.

A lot of my friends often raise the point, and rightfully so, that you don't need to travel half way around the world to make a difference in someone's life, or to get a different perspective on life. Yesterday was truly one of those days.

Dental Update #3

Whole bottom half of my mouth is completely numb..and so is my bank account. Go directly to jail. Do Not Pass Go. Do not collect $460..

Out with the old, In with the New

Asia's discriminating airlines: No dragons allowed. I knew it! You can throw Turkish Airlines in that mix, too!